Why am I like this?

There’s something deeply confrontational about the question: ‘why am I like this?’. I have felt the weight of it. It felt accusatory and self-critical. And yet, it originated from a place of longing. It took me a while to recognise the connection. As social beings, we all have an innate need to connect with others and feel a sense of belonging.

Sometimes, this requires us to adapt to our environment in a protective and/or intelligent way. These adaptations serve a purpose during childhood, but they can create difficulties if they become rigid and generalised across adulthood. A response that once created safety, may later inhibit intimacy, autonomy or self-trust.

Here are examples of three such patterns that possibly carried over from childhood:

• People-pleasing. Excessive people pleasing is usually present when a person’s sense of wellbeing is reinforced by being liked or needed. A child in this scenario may have grown up in a home that is not very harmonious, and he/she has learned early on that there is more emotional responsiveness from caretakers when the child is ‘easy’ or upbeat. It becomes an adaptive response to attune to other’s moods and seek approval, while avoiding conflict as much as possible.

• Self-sacrificing. This is present when a person chronically prioritises other people’s needs above their own, feel a strong sense of responsibility, and find it difficult receiving help. In this case, a child may have seen a parent get easily stressed or overwhelmed and learned that by being helpful, they gain recognition and are more valued. Being helpful is shaped into the child’s identity and they adapt to being overly helpful.

• Indecisiveness. This trait is usually present when a person feels an excessive need for reassurance, fear making the ‘wrong’ choice, and shows concern for how other people may evaluate their choices. This may develop in a child that was inconsistently encouraged to express their opinion, and/or may have been dismissed or criticised for their opinions. The adaptive responses are to withdraw and defer.

Each of us are a unique composite of genetics and individual experiences. Most of our patterns have histories. They developed in a particular context, for a specific reason. Therefore, instead of asking yourself, ‘why am I this way’, or ‘what is wrong with me’, a more compassionate reframe is ‘what happened that shaped me this way?’. If you are willing to explore this within yourself, I encourage you to do so with curiosity and openness, rather than judgement. It can be useful to think about how you would treat a friend, and show yourself the same compassion.

Chaniago, Y. Attachment in Adulthood - Structure, Dynamics, and Change.

Van Wees, E. (2007). The Application of Attachment Theory and Family Systems Theory to the Phenomena of Parentification On behalf of: International Association of Marriage and Family Counselors.

Young, J.E., Klosko, J.S., & Weishaar, M.E. (2003). Schema Therapy.